Setting Boundaries: How to Set Boundaries this Holiday Season
- Category: Anna Bellard
- November 25, 2024
Tis the Season for Boundary Setting: Two Essential Skills for Navigating the Holidays
The holiday season is a time for connection, celebration, and reflection. However, it can also bring stress -especially when it comes to spending time with family and loved ones. Whether it’s navigating emotionally charged conversations, handling differing expectations, or maintaining your sense of self in a busy season, setting boundaries becomes essential to preserve your peace and well-being.
Local Colorado therapist, Anna Bellard, LCSW, shares two crucial skills to help you brush up on your boundary-setting practices this holiday season. Remember the two “C’s”: Be Clear and Be Consistent. When used together, they can empower you to create healthier, more respectful dynamics with others while staying true to your own needs.
Why Boundary Setting Matters
Before diving into the “how,” let’s talk about the “why.” Boundaries are not about shutting people out or creating barriers to connection—they are about fostering mutual respect. A boundary is a statement about what you need to feel safe, valued, or comfortable in your relationships and interactions.
The holidays, with their mix of togetherness and tradition, can present unique challenges for boundary-setting. Old family patterns may resurface, differing opinions may come to the forefront, and social gatherings may leave you feeling drained. Without clear boundaries, it’s easy to fall into patterns that leave you feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or even resentful.
By setting and upholding your boundaries, you create the foundation for meaningful and respectful relationships while ensuring that you’re taking care of your mental health.
Skill #1: Be Clear
Clarity is the cornerstone of effective boundary setting. Vague or ambiguous boundaries can lead to misunderstandings, leaving others unsure of what you need and creating frustration for everyone involved. When you’re clear about your boundaries, you not only honor your own needs but also make it easier for others to respect them.
For example, instead of saying, “I don’t want to talk about topics that make me uncomfortable at the dinner table,” try being more specific: “I’d prefer not to discuss X, Y, or Z topics at the dinner table because they make me uncomfortable.” This way, you’ve removed any guesswork for the person on the receiving end.
Here are some additional tips for being clear:
- State your needs positively. Focus on what you need rather than what you don’t want. For instance, “I’d like to focus on lighthearted topics during dinner,” sounds less confrontational than “Don’t bring up politics or religion.”
- Be direct but kind. It’s okay to use “I” statements to center your feelings, such as, “I feel overwhelmed when this topic comes up, so I’d prefer we focus on other subjects.”
- Choose the right moment. Timing matters. Setting boundaries in advance of a gathering can prevent surprises and allow others to process your request without the pressure of the moment.
Being clear doesn’t guarantee that others will always comply with your boundaries, but it gives you a solid foundation for meaningful conversations and sets expectations from the start.
Skill #2: Be Consistent
Even when you’ve clearly communicated your boundaries, maintaining them requires consistency. People may not immediately adjust to the boundaries you’ve set, especially if they go against established patterns or habits. However, consistently reinforcing your boundaries sends the message that you’re serious about maintaining them.
For example, if you’ve asked a family member not to bring up a specific topic but they do so anyway, respond by calmly reiterating your boundary: “I understand you want to talk about this, but I’ve already shared that I’m not comfortable discussing it.” Then, redirect the conversation to a neutral topic.
Consistency also means holding firm even when it feels uncomfortable. It can be tempting to let things slide for the sake of keeping the peace, but doing so can erode the effectiveness of your boundary and leave you feeling invalidated.
Here are a few tips to help you stay consistent:
- Prepare for pushback. Understand that some people may test or challenge your boundaries, intentionally or not. Stay calm and repeat your boundary as needed.
- Practice self-compassion. It’s okay if maintaining boundaries feels difficult at first. Give yourself grace and recognize that boundary-setting is a skill that takes practice.
- Enlist support if needed. If someone continually disregards your boundary, consider enlisting an ally—a trusted family member or friend—to help reinforce it.
Consistency reinforces the idea that your boundaries are non-negotiable, fostering respect and encouraging others to adjust their behavior over time.
The Emotional Side of Boundary Setting
It’s important to acknowledge that setting and maintaining boundaries can bring up a range of emotions. You may feel guilt for saying no or fear that others will react negatively. These feelings are natural, especially if you’re setting boundaries with people who aren’t used to you doing so.
Here are some strategies to manage these emotions:
- Remind yourself of your “why.” Focus on the reason behind your boundary—whether it’s protecting your peace, maintaining your emotional health, or fostering healthier relationships.
- Normalize discomfort. Growth often involves stepping outside your comfort zone. Feeling uncomfortable doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong; it means you’re doing something new and meaningful.
- Seek validation from within. Remember, you don’t need others’ approval to honor your own needs. Trust yourself to know what’s best for you.
Putting It All Together
As you prepare for the holidays, keep in mind that boundary setting is a skill that benefits both you and your relationships. By being clear about your needs and consistent in maintaining them, you create the conditions for healthier, more respectful interactions.
Boundary setting is not about controlling others or avoiding conflict—it’s about creating a sense of safety and balance in your life. And while it may feel challenging at times, the payoff is worth it: greater emotional resilience, deeper connections, and a holiday season that leaves you feeling energized rather than drained.
So this year, as you gather with loved ones, remember these two simple but powerful tips: Be Clear and Be Consistent. With practice and patience, you can navigate the season with confidence, grace, and the peace of mind you deserve.
Original Video by Anna Bellard, LCSW
