Embracing Self-Love: The Power of a Relationship Wishlist
- Category: Anna Bellard
- March 4, 2025
During times that focus on love, it’s easy to feel left out if you are single. Everything focuses on finding the right romantic partner, but what if this time could be about strengthening the relationship you have with yourself? One way to do this is by fostering secure attachment and gaining clarity on what truly fulfills you in a relationship.
Anna Bellard, LCSW, says a good exercise for self-reflection and future relationship success is making making a relationship wishlist. This process helps you define your core needs in a relationship, allowing you to approach dating (or even existing relationships) with confidence and self-awareness.
What Is a Relationship Wishlist?
A relationship wishlist is exactly what it sounds like—a list of qualities you hope to find in a partner and relationship. It’s a way to gain clarity on what truly matters to you and can help prevent falling into relationships that don’t align with your values or emotional needs.
This exercise is often used in therapy with individuals who are preparing to date or re-enter relationships after a period of self-growth. Rather than approaching relationships blindly, a wishlist helps set intentional standards for the type of partnership that will best support your emotional well-being.
How to Create Your Relationship Wishlist
- Reflect on Past Relationships
Take some time to think about your past relationships. What worked? What didn’t? Are there any recurring patterns that led to unhappiness or emotional distress? What qualities in past partners made you feel loved and valued, and which qualities left you feeling unseen or unfulfilled? - Make a Comprehensive List
Based on your reflections, create a detailed list of all the qualities you would hope to have in an ideal relationship. Be as specific as possible—this list is your opportunity to articulate exactly what feels meaningful and fulfilling to you. - Prioritize Five Non-Negotiables
Out of your full wishlist, identify the five most important qualities—the ones that are absolute deal-breakers if they’re missing. These are the core values and traits that you must have in a partner for the relationship to be emotionally safe and fulfilling. Everything else on your list becomes a “nice to have,” rather than a requirement.
The reason for this distinction is that no partner will check every single box. By knowing the difference between what is essential versus what is preferred, you set yourself up for realistic and healthy expectations.
How This Exercise Supports Secure Attachment
Attachment theory explains that our early experiences with caregivers shape the way we connect with others in adulthood. There are four main attachment styles:
- Secure Attachment – You feel comfortable with intimacy, trust your partner, and communicate effectively.
- Anxious Attachment – You crave closeness but also fear abandonment, leading to overanalyzing relationships or seeking constant reassurance.
- Avoidant Attachment – You value independence and may struggle with vulnerability, often keeping emotional distance in relationships.
- Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment – A mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors, where you desire connection but also fear being hurt.
By creating a relationship wishlist, you are practicing secure attachment behaviors. You gain clarity on your emotional needs and learn to approach relationships with intention rather than insecurity. This exercise helps you build confidence in what you deserve, reducing the likelihood of settling for relationships that don’t align with your values.
Applying This Exercise to All Relationships
While this exercise is particularly helpful for dating and romantic relationships, it’s also beneficial for friendships and other close relationships. Consider taking a similar approach to evaluating your friendships:
- Do your friends align with your core values?
- Do they support your emotional well-being, or do they drain your energy?
- Are there any relationships that don’t feel reciprocal or healthy?
By applying the wishlist concept beyond romantic relationships, you create a stronger foundation for self-respect and emotional fulfillment in all areas of your life.
A Sample Relationship Wishlist
If you’re unsure where to start, here’s an example of a relationship wishlist:
Non-Negotiables:
- Emotional Availability – My partner communicates openly and works through challenges with me.
- Mutual Respect – My partner values my boundaries, opinions, and personal growth.
- Shared Life Goals – While we don’t need identical interests, our vision for the future should align.
- Kindness and Empathy – My partner is compassionate and emotionally supportive.
- Commitment to Growth – We are both willing to learn and evolve together.
Nice-to-Have Qualities:
- Similar hobbies or interests
- A great sense of humor
- The same love language
- Adventurous personality
- Strong social circle
This list will look different for everyone because it’s deeply personal. The goal isn’t to create a perfect partner but to define what will make a relationship feel safe, fulfilling, and aligned with your values.
Final Thoughts
Self-empowerment begins with understanding and honoring your own needs, regardless of your relationship status. Taking the time to reflect on your emotions brings clarity, helping you make choices that align with your well-being. When you cultivate self-awareness, you build confidence in setting boundaries and expressing your desires authentically. Whether you’re single, dating, or in a relationship, taking the time to reflect on your needs is an essential act of self-care, that strengthens both your relationship with yourself and with others.
By creating a relationship wishlist, you’re not only setting healthy standards for a future partner but also reinforcing your own self-worth. You deserve a relationship that is rooted in respect, trust, and shared values.
So, take this time to reflect, gain clarity, and step into relationships—romantic or otherwise—with confidence. You are worthy of love that feels safe, fulfilling, and aligned with your highest self.
Original video created by Anna Bellard, LCSW
